So here are some more or less random thoughts today:

Fear is a funny thing. In some ways, it is powerful simply because it keeps you FROM the things that can empower you. That is to say, because we feel fear, we indirectly create an impoverished environment in which to live our lives.

In attempting to keep ourselves from things or moving in certain directions in life - it is also the same force within responsible for holding onto things that we believe will protect us.

Imagine a life in which you are always moving towards that which you desire. Imagine never fearing or running away from anything. They may seem like two sides of the same coin… but I have come to see that these two energies produce very different results.

Running away is retreat. Fear is withdrawal from life. It is pulling, holding, constraining, reducing.

Moving towards is loving, nourishing, growing, expanding, evolving.

One of the most fundamental things many of us in this life run away from is our own potential. Our own greatness. Our world is overflowing with self-defeating messages and “better than me” images. I loved the movie Akeelah and the Bee. It really brought home this message… it is FAR easier to accept our fear that we are a failure, that we cannot make it, that we will never be good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough… but what is really at the heart of these messages?

It is Judgement of self. And Who is the Judge?

And more importantly, what is the Measure?

What we are really afraid of, I believe, is all too often simply LETTING GO. It is a big principle in recovery work, and for good reason. The act of holding on is inherently in conflict with the very nature of life itself.

Life is about growth, evolution, and change. Growth does not happen without death. Old cells must die to make way for new cells. I am not 100% sure of the science behind this fact, but I read long ago in a Deepak Chopra book that every cell in our body is replaced within a cycle of every 7 years. Everytime I think about that, I am amazed.

This means that if I take a good look at what I often think of as ME, the physical me, in seven years time - NOT A SINGLE CELL of me will be the same. What is it then that will make the seven-year-out me the same or different from the now-me? Some of it is baked into our genes apparently. Some of it is in our environment. But all of that raw material is tremendously effected by our intentions, thoughts, and habits. And a habit is just something we chose to hold onto. Letting Go is a way of life.

Here are a couple of powerful thoughts that came to me out of the LOA (Law of Attraction) stuff recently.

Abaraham-Hicks talks about the Art of Allowing. On the surface, it simply seems to mean *allowing* other beings to go about their journey. Allowing them to seek their own Joy.

This is profound to me. At the heart of it, it challenges the Golden Rule that gets baked into so many our little minds at a young age. The “do unto others” rule is an ethical code of conduct that assumes that if everyone just did the same thing, and that same thing was a good thing, then the world would be a better place.

There is a deep rooted assumption in this idea that conformity is RIGHT. That everyone SHOULD follow the same rules. That the world would be a better place if everyone would behave the same way, make the same choices, and think the same way. And that there is a RIGHT way to do all of these things… and if there is a right way, there are surely wrong ways.

What is so liberating to me about the idea of The Art of Allowing is that it celebrates the diversity of the human spirit. It also liberates me from the overwhelming, tedious, and pointless task of trying to figure out what is right!

The effect of my own ‘code of ethics’ has brought me to a place where I have also experienced a great feeling of
rejecting the world around me. After all, if the world could be a better place - then this one isn’t ‘right’. If
people could treat people better, then they aren’t ‘right’. This leads me down a path of inevitable frustration, anger, and bitterness.

What if I look at the world around me and simply ACCEPT it? How? By Letting Go of my Judgement. What if the world is PERFECT? What if I am perfect…. perfectly imperfect? Hmmmm… now that’s a different feeling.

~~~

I revel in my imperfections
for they render my Judgements mute
and silence is the voice of God

~~~

Can people change?

I believe there is a core aspect to who we are, an “inner being” if you will, that does not change. This is the essence of self, the Observer, the silent self.

I believe almost everything else that we commonly think of as “Me” is nothing more than a wardrobe change in the play of life.

I am the way I am because of some combination of:

- this is how I want to be, I like it
- I have not yet Allowed change
- there is something about the way I am that works… it gets me what I want
- it matches my concept of me, it fits my story… a story of my choosing, a story I want and like

If I think of myself in this way, my life opens up tremendously. It expands. It grows. My story can evolve, become deeper. I can question what I really want in life. I can Allow change.

I revel in my imperfections
for they render my judgements mute
and silence is the voice of God

I am true to my source. All things flow through me. If I were never angry, I would be resisting anger. I would be attempting to control it. If I were never sad, I would be resisting sadness… and so on.

There is nothing to resist. Resistance is based on judging the emotions. Resistance takes energy.

The more I allow these things to flow, the greater my real energy can be directed towards real goals. The more I let these emotions flow and be what they are, the more I can appreciate them for their own power and beauty.

Some things are simple, yet they escape me time and again.

Here are some random thoughts running ’round inside my mind this morning.

You have to be ready to receive wisdom, or it just doesn’t take.

If you are not open with the world around you - no one knows where you are at - no one will know what you need. If you are open - you are receptive. It is NOT weak to be receptive. You cannot grow or gain wisdom if you are not open. If you act like you have it all figured out - you will never learn anything new.

I have been in a much more open state of mind in recent months - and have been “asking” for guidance. There is a thought that runs through many different spiritual traditions that the Universe is fundamentally creative in nature. Ask, and detach from the outcome. Be Patient. Be Open.

Because I have been more open - a friend could see my place… the journey I am on, and recommended the works of don Miguel Ruiz… I wrapped up “The Four Agreements” last night, and believe I was ready for its lessons.

It is not a remarkable work for its depth or complexity. In fact, I am not sure I encountered many “new” thoughts or ideas in it at all.

Something else about it helped carry it through my usual filters and barriers. Maybe it was its tone. Maybe it is simply that it was written with Love, and without Judgement.

This morning, I awoke for the first time in many days with a renewed sense of energy and direction. I want to send out Much Gratitude to the friend that pointed me to this work, and to don Miguel Ruiz himself, along with his Mother and Grandfather… and to everyone else involved in the web of activity that helped bring this book to my hands.

The last of The Four Agreements is to always do your best.

After thinking through this for some time - it has helped lift a huge burden from my chest. For months, I have been beating myself up about a number of situations from my past. I guess this is normal in the wake of such devastating loss - I have been “stuck” to the past.

It is heavy. I can’t change it.

What makes matters worse - I learned about a few things in recent months that occurred in my family several years ago. When I first heard about these things - I pushed them out of my mind completely. Well, that never works.

This idea - always do you best - it simply means that if you are honest and really doing you best *under the circumstances*, taking into account all the other factors, then you can always keep moving without Judgement. You can let go of the past, you can let go of your second guessing, your Judgements, and your role as Victim.

As you Let Go, you regain that spiritual / psychological energy that you were putting into that internal drama.

I believe this is why I woke up feeling better today. I know deep down in my bones that I did the best I could. I know I did. I am not perfect. I made mistakes. But I did the absolute best I could.

R e l e a s e.

My dreams are returning to me… my own individual hopes and desires.

This may seem odd to those of you that never lost your dreams along the way in this life. But I must confess that for me, the truth is — that I have lost mine.

Maybe it was because somehow, somewhere, I lost my very sense of “me”… not very easy to hold on to one’s dreams when one loses touch with one’s own identity.

My dreams are returning. And for this, I am immensely grateful.

~~~

Who Killed Mr. Moonlight?

Consider green lakes
And the idiocy of clocks
Someone shot nostalgia in the back
Someone shot our innocence

A broken arrow in a bloody pool
The wound in the face
Of midnight proposals
Someone shot nostalgia in the back
Someone shot our innocence

In the shadow of his smile
In the shadow of his smile
In the shadow of his smile
In the shadow of his smile

All our dreams have melted down
We are hiding in the bushes
From dead men
Doing Douglas Fairbanks’ stunts

All our stories burnt
Our films lost in the rushes
We can’t paint any pictures
As the moon had all our brushes

Extracting wasps from stings in flight
Who killed Mr. Moonlight?
Who killed Mr. Moonlight
In the shadow of his smile
Who killed Mr. Moonlight
In the shadow of his smile

- Bauhaus

~~~

I commented several months ago to a friend that I was having trouble reaching a place of acceptance with what was occurring in my life. At the time, I didn’t have good words to explain what I meant, or why it was so distressing.

For this reason, I am grateful to come across others who are able to articulate the importance of acceptance, and are able to describe how it does not mean compliance, or submission. It is not giving in, or giving up. It is an opening to the Now moment… it means letting things go, and letting go of the need to want to help, control, and fix everyone and everything around oneself. It means accepting that things are already OK just as they are.

It also brings with it a great healing power, because we tend to invest so much energy in projecting what we want to see onto the world around us. As we also put a lot of energy into running away or hiding from things that hurt us.

Today, I listened to one of the many Dharma talks available at DharmaStream.org… and this one was a teaching on “Acceptance, Letting Go, Being Enough”. It is over an hour long, but luckily for me, that is about the time of my commute on the train - so I am very grateful I took the time to listen to the whole teaching…

And I am especially grateful because at the end, Adrianne recited a poem by Mary Oliver, entitled “In Blackwater Woods”:

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.